Your life problems assesed and solved by Mystic Maureen.
Dear Maureen
Dear Mystic Maureen
My granny has taken up knitting since she came out of rehab.
I know she needs something to do with her hands
but honestly, my wardrobe is simply bulging with these
horrible looking jumpers she keeps making me. They itch
like mad and are in hideous shades. I don’t want to hurt
her feeling, bless her, but what can I do.
Confused – Carisbrooke
Tricky one this. On no account put them in the clothes bank.
The poor and needy have got enough problems. Why not
parcel them up and send them to all the people you don’t
like - your bank manager or mother in law for instance. How
about your ex-boss who fired you over that minor incident
at the Christmas party.
As a last resort you might consider contacting the Ministry
of Defence. They are always on the look out for reasonably
priced weapons of mass destruction.
Dear Mystic Maureen
My wife is having an affair with the milkman and I don’t
know how to deal with it.
Anxious – Sandown
It’s quite simple really. Order your shopping, including all
dairy produce, from Tesco On Line. I know this means you
will have to start actually PAYING again for your bottles of
semi-skimmed and strawberry yoghurts but surely that’s a
small price to pay if it means saving your marriage. - MM
Dear Mystic Maureen
I am a sixteen-year old boy and all my teachers predict a
brilliant future for me. I am in the top grade for all subjects.
I always complete my homework on time and make
sure my school uniform is immaculately clean and well
pressed. Despite all I have going for me none of the girls
in my year will consider going on a date with me. I can’t
understand it.
Bewildered – Cowes.
Well, are you completely off your head? Up to date homework
and immaculate uniform! Obviously no self respecting Chav
or Yobette is going to be seen dead with you. Get in to a
pair of tracky bottoms and hoody immediately.
Regardless of the topic of conversation you are engaged in
try to include the phrase, ‘They is well good, in it?’ as often
as possible. Also, finish every sentence with the word RIGHT.
For example ‘I was down the High Street, RIGHT’ ‘I met one
of me mates, RIGHT’, that sort of thing.
Lastly, as you swagger down the road swigging from a bottle
of supermarket own brand cider, stare menacingly at anyone
you pass, particularly little old ladies coming out of the Post
Office.
Follow these simple guidelines and pretty soon the girls will
be all over you like a rash. Sorted - RIGHT - MM
Dear Mystic Maureen
Although my husband has never been an animal lover, he
is showing an unnatural interest in my neighbour ’s pussy
cat and I can’t help feeling resentful. My husband says my
jealousy is unfounded. What do you think?
Paranoid – Wroxall.
I have to admit that I agree with you. Your husband’s interest
in this pussy does seem to have gone beyond the bounds
of reasonable behaviour.
I advice you to get down to your local pet shop as soon as
possible and purchase the most ferocious rottweiler you can
find; preferably one with extreme behavioural problems and
a pathological dislike of cats. Hopefully this will keep your
neighbour and the wretched pussy at a distance. - MM
Dear Mystic Maureen
I am very dissatisfied with my appearance. Please find my
photo enclosed. My husband says he loves me just the
way I am and doesn’t want me to change. What do you
think?
Thank you for including your photo. Tee hee hee. Oh my.
I don’t think I have laughed so much since my granny’s
false teeth fell out when we were on the big dipper at
Blackpool.
You say your husband is happy with your appearance.
However, you don’t mention the condition of your husband’s
eye sight or his mental state but if these are both OK, I
suspect that the real reason behind his reluctance for you to
change is that, like most husbands, he is anxious about the
cost involved. - MM